Smo Does Goodly
I just want to write. Simple as that, or maybe not so simple.
O.A.R. and a Good Lyric or Two
"A wise man once said, 'One great thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no pain.' "
O.A.R.'s music reminds me of contemplative escapism. It's not so much as offering a gateway away from my problems, but rather a path around them, and then guides me toward solutions or at least a better perspective.
DMB's music takes me out of my shell, shows me that there is a world beyond me and that I can do something about it. It's a great political groove. Of course, this is not all that DMB is good for, but it is one of their many facets.
Dispatch: way too happy for somber and solemn moods. That stuff is usually for a more solipsistic, self-embracing moments, I haven't quite graduated there yet.
My Jazz music, it's calming. It is my incense candled bubble bath. It's my pill for homesickness and centering. It's comfort may come from my childhood, it could be genetics, any number of things. I love it, the best writing tool. NPR on the weekends and "Jazz After Hours"--a smo-like dream.
"It gets me up when I'm feeling down. I cannot sleep when this music is around."
I can't really say that I'm a connoisseur, but everyone needs music in one way or another, and I shall not allow my lack of expertise stifle my passion for it.
Becoming Culturized
Tonight I will spend the evening at the wonderful Kieth-Albee Theatre (see entry 11-6-03) enjoying the Marshall University Artists Series Presents the Spring International Film Festival. Of course all activities are free :D, except for popcorn and soda.
It will be a night of subtitles and solitude, what more could I ask for?
Tomorrow I will try to post reviews of the films if anyone's interested.
--smo
Escaping Censorship
My old blog was ruined when scandal shook its foundations. I'm trying to make a new home here, it will take some time.
--Smo
Prognosis Negative
I by an open window, wrapped in Mom's gorgeous blue afghan (spell that AP Nazis!), awaiting winter. This could be my last entry from Marshall for at least a week.
Just when I had begun to give up hope on the whole acting thing because Courtney didn't get back to me (I fear being ostracized many moments during the day). But, lo, tonight, at the end of my busiest day of the week, I have a fresh message from her. She expressed excitement about my interest and affirmed that actual dates have not yet been posted.
So I have time. What I need now, though, is a good juicy monologue.
I dread having to unplug everything for break. That means I will have to re-program the VCR (I have 7 regularly scheduled programs throughout the week).
I look forward to a week of reading and reflection. I hope to finish Pride and Prejudice and In Cold Blood, possibly start the new HP. I may study for finals somewhere in there, too.
Speaking of which I have 2 tests to defeat before leaving campus on Friday. Hope all is well with all my readers (frequent or infrequent).
Current Mood:
 Shakespeare's Modern Day Comedy of Errors
I have been in a whistful sort of mood since Friday last, when I saw MU Theatre's production of Little Women. I am apt, when the occasion comes, to fall into the world of the 19th century. There are balls to attend, socks to mend, and great stories to read. Also, none of the women ever want for a man (it always ends with a happy ending at least).
Also, in my spare time, mainly while microwaving pizza and right before falling asleep, I read Pride and Prejudice, which is similar to LW, except that it's in England, not PA.
Also, on the Saturday following the play, I ran into Courtney, who invited me to audition for the theatre department's next work: The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. I must admit that this excited me greatly. For the rest of the weekend I wrestled with the notion of actually doing this, doing something risky. All of the people to whom I spoke about this idea agreed that I should give it a shot.
I need to do something other than going to class and work. I fell like I am doing nothing but wasting time here, waiting for a better part of my life to come along. I do not remember how to live.
My senior year in high school I had a very small part in It's a Wonderful Life, and then in the spring, snagged the role of Banquo (it was awesome!). And aside from a brief fumble in our impromptu prologue, I had a good run as the lead character's best friend. Thinking back on it, that moment seems to eclipse even my solo in the band concert.
And for Courtney, whose lifelong dream is to act, to ask me, humble Smo, to participate in something with which she is associated, is very complimentary. But I still struggle with my choice.
I fear walking onto the stage in the midst of theatre majors and the like, being intimidated (I know that I will be), faltering, failing. I feel that I possess the aptitude to act, in my mind at least. It is getting that performance from the inside to the out. I fear ridicule and rejection.
But what of this is not true of real life? Do we not struggle against these demons daily? I do.
Furthermore, should I make the decision to audition, for which part do I try? A small part that will leave me hoping for more, or a larger part , which I will not receive, and then feel embarrassed that I reached to high?
And, should I receive a part, what if the costume department has not an outfit to cover my girth?
I have resolved at least, to not think on it further tonight. It is almost time for Jon Stewart.
So I guess I should write something.
It's been an eventful couple of days. Connie Carter's viewing was Saturday night. We met Connie Chapman's husband, who seems really cool.
Sunday was an emotional plane from beginning to end. Church was sad because everyone had to face that Connie wouldn't be there. Bruce also said a few choked up words I couldn't really understand. At the funeral, which came after church, everyone was crying. The choir, thankfully, got to sit in the adjacent family room as we were singing backup in the service. I didn't have to stare at the casket, or see Bruce or Phylliss lose it. The gravesite seemed to short. It actually took longer to get there than it took for the service.
I was pretty bummed out yesterday. Then Kimberly came over and we watched Dana Carvey skits an West Wing, so there was redemption.
In a strange turn of events, Katie ended up coming down with her friend Matt for a visit. Things went well. We laughed over old times and talked about new things. Katie seems pretty happy I guess. It was very refreshing to see her. She is one of the few people with whom I can have an honest discourse. I can't wait to see what we become in the future as far as movers and shakers of the world (that was figurative, not literal).
I have a killer geology test tomorrow that will kick my butt. Also a 10-page paper I dread and have not yet begun. Ugh, the pains of college.
Beaten but not dead yet.
--Smo
Lethargic
When it comes time to write, I can never think of a way to explain exactly how I feel. I can't put my readers with me with my words. I give up. I don't want to come here anymore.
Heavy Hearts Reign Tonight
To walk in the faith, to proclaim His name in every opportunity, to share His love with the world around you, to let His glory wash over you despite the pain, to do these things is gracious and noble, worthy of remembrance.
Semper tene in memoria: Connie Carter, losing the fight against cancer, third of November, 2005
Old Gertie Was Onto Something
I'm listening to Guster Lost and Gone Forever the album by which I was introduced to the best band everrrrrrr. All of these songs hold memories for me. I can sing all the lines, remember the idiosyncracies, most importantly I remember how it felt to listen to these on that two-hour bus ride through Appalachia as I went to get my "Blue Ribbon" education. Crap.
"No weapon has ever settled a moral problem. It can impose a solution but it cannot guarantee it to be a just one."--Ernest Hemingway
I always envisioned that if I were to choose another era in which to live, I would choose the 1920s. Young women began to embrace their independence in these years. Also, many of today's most applicable literature was written then.
Gertrude Stien labled Earnest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and the like a Lost Generation. These cats were coming out of the worst war the world had seen, yet were still told things were peachy keen. These minds questioned things.
"If this is being good and doing right, why do we end up at the worst of things?"
They questioned the doctrines of their time. They dances "scantily" to "devil" music in speakeasies and dance halls. They air-trumpeted Miles Davis and marched for suffrage.
I empathize with these guys. We were told that our military is "doing right" and "being good" by ousting an evil dictator. We were GUARANTEED that WMD's lurked in the confines of Iraq and that Osama had a hand in this malice.
Now we face the truth and we feel lost.
Our parents grew up with John Lennon, but don't seem to be doing anything about being "a brotherhood of man". Instead they live in a passive state as our elected officials act more and more, being unwatched and uninhibited my our apathy.
I certainly feel lost. Almost enough to expatriate to Cancùn.
--Smo
Those Lazy Winter Mondays
The girls on the third floor of Laidley Hall have finally caught up with the boys on the first floor, meaning that when I walk out of my room I'm immersed in the scent of diarrhetic farts (ha! a pun!). Aside from that our building's transition to winter survival has been fascinating. Well, not really, I'm just glad it's not so blamin' hot anymore.
When the Weather Channel (who has been wrong almost all week) predicted the first forty-degree night of the season, I was excited at the opportunity of putting on my old winter coat. This coat is one of those dressy, not quite a trenchcoat-but-same-sort-of-theme things that makes me feel awesome when I wear it. "SMO!" you may gasp, "Why are you so superficial about your clothing? Have you gone mad?"
And, "Nay," I reply. "I just like the way I feel in the coat, not how I look.
In all actuality, winter is the best season for fat girls. We get to wear layers of clothing, which hide our layers of cellulite. Also, we're less apt to sweat. Not many outdoor sports are around to taunt our un-atheleticism. I personally am excited about the now-sane consumption of hot chocolate.
(Two weeks ago it was the following exchange)
Smo #1: Man, I need some chocolate.
Smo #2: You don't like chocolate.
Smo #1: You know, something that's not really chocolate, but still choclatey. Like a drink, yeah, hot chocolate!
Smo #2: What are you mad? It's like a bazillion degrees in here and not only want to boil water, but want to consume boiled water! Just buy a YooHoo.
Smo #1: But see, that requires walking to the store, and spending money.....
And so it goes. But thankfully, that debate is not longer needed.
As for more intellectual news. I've been researching John McCain, who is most likely my choice for Presidential Election '08. I will try to put my thoughts about that up later this week.
All those who believe this blog has become boring, please vote below. (The comment section.)
--Smo
"But You Can't Hide Standing Under These Stars"
There it is, your Guster-replacement-title-for-when-I-feel-uncreative. From "Careful" on Keep it Together.
The writing wells have been very dry of late, as have my reading moments. My literary side has taken a brief hiatus.
Last week I goofed off a lot, now I find myself in expectation of midterms and other exams for which I am inconclusively unprepared. Geography is cool, my better than average essays make up for my worse than lackluster actual knowledge of geography (i.e., I hate map tests).
Latin is awesome. Studying for that is invigorating, the more I learn about this language, the more I realize that I am becoming part of a sect of people who know Latin, it's awesome to be special.
Geology (both lab and lecture) pretty much are going to take a lot more work than I thought before. Floating around with a "C" in lecture, but on the verge of an "A" in lab, let me tell you that was a hard-earned "A" too.
PoliSci is really vague. The prof. is a former mayor, and never stays on topic (somebody needs to feed him some bullet points). We have a daunting midterm in there (50% of grade, eep!). No one, absolutely no one has a clue what we're doing in there. To top it off, I'm the only one in there who isn't a senior.
I've picked up The Odyssey recently. It's slow reading, and I get a little lost when they talk about the Trojan war because I missed that release (The Iliad, I think). But I can totally tell where the linguistic idioms were and how the translation comes over to English. Perhaps some day I can attack the original Latin.
Meanwhile Josh is coming up for a visit this weekend, and it's homecoming. This means we will be spending a lot of time at the mall or Pullman Sqare, you know, away from the relentless festivities. Also, OAR has a new CD that needs buying.
A Better Link
Sorry that the link to the previous entry doesn't work. You can go here, and read the story, find the video, do some investigating. Sorry about the confusion
Racism still Apparent in New Orleans
I have just watched one of the most disturbing things in my life. CNN played a video clip in which a black man in New Orleans was beaten up by 4 police officers. From what I can tell the man was NOT RESISTING ARREST at all. These POs just started ravaging on this dude, continually hitting him in the head. What's more, when the cameraman tried to record this, a 5th PO on horse manuevered the the horse TO BLOCK THE SCENE FROM THE CAMERA!!! Let me tell you that this victim was already hand-cuffed when the POs started wailing on him.
It was a scene I would expect in a Martin Luther King, Jr. period film or something, not the news. This is horreendous. Finally journalists have done something effective, except they only gave the story about 15 seconds.
I am looking into this matter now.
You can watch the video here:
APTN Video
That APTN stands for Associated Press Television Network, they gave the video to CNN for broadcast. After you see the initial beating you will see another man being slammed against a car. This guy is the APTN producer, responsible for the production of this video. Please comment on this; I want to know what you think.
A Neglectful Parent
Upon creating my new "movie blog" I've kind of left this guy out to dry, using it only as a means of advertising for the new blog. Ah, to be Ted Turner for a day....
Anyway, I'm doing it again. Just reviewed Angels in America. Go partake and enjoy.
--Smo
"Today I am all that I wanted to be yesterday"
I spent most of the weekend concentrating on a date that never took place. I cannot say that I was disappointed, I did not really expect it to occur anyway. What I concentrated on instead was the illogical way I've been going about this whole situation. Pardon the cliche, but I've been kicking myself in the pants for my ignorance and ill-thought-out plans. Don't think that this was a complete pity-party or any other attempt a self-rectitude, only musings.
Initially, I was distraught because of my complete lack of contemplation or inhibitions. I went so far as to base my daily decisions on thoughts of this boy, as if he were a pivotal part of my life. Secondly, I actually entertained the idea that my affection for him was retuned. How could I have been so dense? I am being realisitc when I say that I am not physically attractive. While I know that such triviality is hardly a prinicple on which to base a relationship, I forget that my peers are not quite so aware. In addition there have been no opportunities for us to communicate in such a way that my strengths were showcased, no such way to exhibit who I am.
At the beginning of this semester I set a deadline for myself: to be kissed by my 20th birthday. Perhaps this was not such a good goal, placing a contract on love, but it is what I did. Now October has begun, I see this goal slipping away. I admit that it is not essential to my being, but this first kiss is not just that. In my expectation of it will be a seal of a real connection I have with someone. I'm not going to give up my first kiss on a whim, it will mean something, and with this logic I carry the hope that somewhere there is a boy to whom I can completely direct my affection. It is not helpful that I am picky, it is not helpful that I am scarred; but it is pivotal that I am all of these things so I know that my affections will not be wasted.
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But the world goes on and while things cannot remain wholly unaffected by this contemplation, I am okay. I am focused on what I want and what I am doing to get that. I am an unstoppable force with God by my side, the only Man in whom I can put my entire trust.
At church this morning I realized how trite my musings of the weekend were. It is almost impossible to describe the comfort I glean from being in God's House. When the service is over I postpone going home. As soon as I walk throught the doors I feel at home, completely at home. And all of these things enhance my faith and walk with God. The hymns are stuck in my head and their lyrics remind me of how great God is. And this comforts me above all things.
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This weekend has sailed by, as is usually the case when the weather is fairly nice and friends are abundant. I've driven to Charleston 3 days straight, in hopes that when I go home next weekend the trek will not be so stressful.
=Smo
In an Effort to Not Be Stale
So I've created this new "Movie Review Site" in which I will write reviews to the many movies I watch. This is mostly a weekend thing, but at least I am writing.
I've posted my first review. Go here: http://smosmovies.blogdrive.com Who knows how long I will keep up with this, but it's a try. Please leave a comment there saying "yah", "nay", or "eh". I'll try to have the place looking more spiffy soon. Enjoy and thanks for staying!
--Love, Smo
Mea Culpa
I love that I now have a computer in my room. And not just a computer, but a laptop. I can go anywhere I want with her. She is the new imaginary friend.
For a couple of weeks I have been musing on what the heck I will do with the "rest of my life." In the wee days it was "English Teacher", then it was "astronaut" (one semester with the great Mr. Arbuckle quickly disputed that), more recently "journalist", then "political speechwriter" then "freelancer". While thinking over these options, I throw my ideas to others, mainly the mailroom and friends.
When I was high school Jameson once wrote in an email "Write, don't settle for that teaching crap," or something like that. But isn't teaching noble? Then, in a sudden twist of fate, while talking over my dilemma in the mailroom, Jonathan, said, "I don't know any writers; it'd be cool to know a writer." He, of course was implying that he'd love to marry a writer. But I digress.
As I mentioned before here, I believe that this year is one of independence and solitary growth. I am very happy with my life now. I am fulfilled and joyous. For example, today was going to be crammed with meaningless yet obligatory activities, doubled with the fact that my room had turned into a pigsty and I had been playing Yahoo! Towers too much to notice. Through many swings and blessings, however, my mundane tasks were elevated, or in the very least more quickly over than I had anticipated, leaving me a generous window to do some fall cleaning.
My Netflix fairies delivered American Movie which is a weird documetary I only looked into upon its mention on Guster's website. I rigged up the trashed computer in the mailroom and amused myself by watching the first half. It was sort of surreal watching a movie at work, and I plan to make it a habit.
Also, I must apologize for the brief template change, I like the other much better, and I didn't need Melisa thinking I copied her, anyway.
I need to write but remain uninspired by anything. I want whatever I put down to be great, but I feel that I have no great or worthy ideas to commit to unrelenting prose. I fear sounding generic above all else. Recently I imagined myself writing something like, "As the crisp morning breeze filtered in..." Immediately following I was like, "What in the heck does 'crisp' mean? And how does air filter?" That little internal argument was enough to turn me off from writing for yet another day.
On top of all of this, I look on my past writing, especially from high school, and am amazed that the stuff came out of me. What happened? I'm not bragging, my old scribblings are simply better than the crap I write here, and I'm very disappointed in myself.
Oh, back to real life, Katie phoned me a couple of days ago and things seem better now. I can admit it now, but the way we parted last semester had been eating away at me, only it took a reconciliation to make me realize how much it was corroding me. It sucks that a tragedy had to do it though, it's like a stinking Lifetime movie.
Looking forward to a weekend with Viggo in A History of Violence.
--Love, Smo
Partisanship Reigns
House majority Leader Tom Delay faced an idictment today, served up by some court in Texas. Googling this will certainly give you more background.
I am so angered by these chauvanistic pigs in the capitol, they're ridiculously unaware of our awareness of their shadiness. At least the media have something new to pounce on and I can stop being depressed by hurricane aftermath coverage.
I'm not being insensitive, I just don't like how CNN is capitalizing on people's sorrows. Don't get me started on the Aaron Neville Red Cross commercial...
That's all for now,
Smo
P.S. A Google image search on Mr. Delay came up with this:
A Message
Our good buddy Lawerence used to post Bill Bright's posthumous daily messages "back in the day". Those messages have always helped me, so I signed up for the daily email. I think today's messages is especially important to all of us, so take a looksie.
What Christian Citizens Must Do
When the godly are in authority, the people rejoice (Proverbs 29:2, NLT).
Dear friends:
In my last letter, I mentioned that some years ago, concerned with complacency by many Christians, I published a powerful little booklet titled, "Your 5 Duties as a Christian Citizen."
It is important that I summarize those five duties with you:
1. PRAY. Pray that God will send a great spiritual awakening to America. Pray for God's promise to heal a repentant nation according to 2 Chronicles 7:14. Pray without ceasing that God will move on the hearts of leaders in office, and that He will put godly leaders in office from the precinct to the White House. Pray that God will use you to be a witness and as an instrument of change.
2. REGISTER TO VOTE. If you are not already registered, do so at once. In some national elections, as well as for local offices, the winner is elected by a very small number of citizens because most did not vote. To serve God as a citizen, you must be a regularly participating voter, and you cannot do that without registering. Voting is a matter of stewardship.
3. BECOME INFORMED. Just as an untrained soldier is at the mercy of the enemy, so uninformed Christians cannot prevail against evil forces in the world of politics. Here are some ideas: Read about the issues -- many sources of information are available; organize, lead or participate in a study group to inform yourself about the structure of government, the issues, the candidates, and their views. But knowledge must result in action...
4. HELP ELECT GODLY PEOPLE. Help elect men and women of God to public office at the local, state and national levels. Support them faithfully throughout their terms of public service by lovingly sharing with them the biblical views on the issues, praying for them, and encouraging them. Help support righteous rule, which brings rejoicing: "With good men in authority, the people rejoice; but with the wicked in power, they groan" (Proverbs 29:2, LB). Another way you can help is by being a precinct volunteer.
5. VOTE. Your one vote carries as much weight as that of a billionaire, a corporation president, or a top government leader. Vote consistently in every election. Exercise the influence God has given you through our unique system of self-government.
By God's grace, and with your prayers and efforts, we can help restore biblical moral and ethical standards in our nation.
Yours for fulfilling the Great Commission
each year until our Lord returns,
Bill Bright
Hope you enjoyed--Smo
Two At a Time
Whenever I see a parking meter, I think Cool Hand Luke. It's not a life changing statement, it's just part of me. It's the same as saying that whenever I jump I have to land on my left foot, same as I always start down a set of stairs on my left foot as well. It wouldn't be right any other way.
Tonight I took in three movies back to back, jumbo combo included (free refills on popcorn and drink). The agend is pretty much the same tomorrow. I love the cinema.
What I don't love, however, is the cinema's audience. I love going to a movie alone. It allows more room for the suspension of disbelief, also, I can eat all the popcorn I want and wipe my hands on the seat beside me. Of course, I wasn't always like this, in fact the idea of going to a movie alone seemed to take more out of the experience, but I'm over that now.
But, anyway, as the Marshall students poured in to take advantage of breath-taking foriegn cinema, I detected a pattern: couples. Ugh. Now my discourse is going to get complicated.
I am thankful for the time that I have being single. I like my independence, not having to answer to anyone, etc. I have attention to devote to things to which I would not be dedicated were I to have a boyfriend.
I hate that because I don't have a boyfriend I don't fit in. I sincerely think (now, my mind may change in five years, or even tomorrow) that people who are single look at the world totally differenty than those who are not single.
I know I am not alone in my status. There are other twentysomethings out there (and I've met them) who've never had a serious relationship, never had a date, never been kissed.
I feel written off because of my lack of relationship status quo.
I have friends who have boyfriends (in fact I have only one day-to-day friend who's single), and I love them just as much, but I don't think that they can seriously look at my life and sympathize with my walk on Boulevard of Broken Dreams, ya know, because its a lonely road.
It's like saying to someone "I know how you feel," a phrase that notoriously pisses people off.
He's out there, he's got to be, or I wouldn't have this urge to search him out. I feel his presence is far overdue, but God's Master Plan is not of my knowledge; I have no right to question.
But, God, I need something now, I really do. I feel put up and put out. Like a CD nobody ever listens to until they're tired of everything else. I need Your guidance tonight, and every night. Help me, Lord, to find the path, and please carry me through it.
Love, Smo
Last Sickness by Alice Neel
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