Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines    (why not?)

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill     (there goes that idea)

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.    (but it tastes so good)

Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness    (isnt that the general idea?)

Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.    (why not?)

Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow    (well they do go nice on cheese sandwiches)

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire     (gee...really?)

Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes   (thanks for the heads up)

RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe   (how else would i wash it?)

Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption    (but im on a fish food diet!!!)

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body    (but its sooo warm)

Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands    (its my best party trick)

Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery   (sorry little mikey, no playing on the forklift after you've had your medicine)

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.     (the other use?)

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children    (but its the best place to keep them)

Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado   (ill just have to use the umbrella instead)

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water    (okay then...)

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.   (best time to shave)

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.   (but goldie is hungry)

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.    (damn...my toothbrush is dull too)

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets   (sorry fluffy, you will have to drip dry)

Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.   (over my dead body)