RULE 1...

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE 2...

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,I will remove them.

RULE 3...

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not,
in fact come off during the course of you date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE 4...

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind
can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I
am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE 5...

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to
know each other, we should talk about sports, politics
and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house,and the only word I need from you on
this subject is: "early"

RULE 6...

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me
as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise,once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you.If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.

RULE 7...

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget.If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

RULE 8...

The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are
beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing,holding hands or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than
overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka--zipped up to her
throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are
to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks home are
better.

RULE 9...

Do not lie to me.I may appear to be potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-
knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask
you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE 10...

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter home safely and early.